Friday, February 4, 2011

Tongue-in-Cheek Rules for Forum Posters

This started with a thread challenge in

"#1 rule.. Don't Post in the Bitch whine and Moan thread 30 seconds after you post in the Just Freaking Happy Thread!!!" - Mitch Wexler

"#2 rule..... If you don't understand a thread.....stand back from the keyboard until someone else posts to clear up your confusion..." - Mitch Wexler

Then I decided it looked like fun and I ran away with it.  

Forum Rule # 91834746

Always assume posters WANT mediation.  Assume they want it from you most of all.  Every poster is secretly wishing for a forum Jimmy Carter to wade into the fray.  Your successful negotiation of a refund from Subway Sandwich last week does qualify you to negotiate peace among 50 posters engaged in an 18-month forum feud.  Dive right in!

Forum Rule # 91834747

Always assume all posters have some legal expertise. Assume you have legal expertise or knowledge too. Mention it with some frequency. Be sure to threaten legal action at least once per quarter. Under no circumstances should you acknowledge the potential silliness of a case that might be called DoubleJointedSexManiac v. DickSeekingDDTitFuck in an open court, nor the irony of a case that might be called SecretAvi v. Anonymouse.

Forum Rule # 91834748

Remember that it is perfectly acceptable to calll a felow poster a cunt or two question the mental capacity, sanity, sexual or religious preference, or quality of genitalia, of any fellow forum poster, but it is absolutely NOT acceptable too gently point out a typo or request that a thread title be edited to correct a misspelling. Keep your edits to yourself, thank you very much, ya fucking cuntrottedasstart.

Forum Rule # 91834749

Any post that is more than two sentences or twenty-five words long is suspect and should be met with one of the following responses:

1. Say what?
2. I didn't read that.  (tl;dr)
3. Nanny-nanny boo-boo
4. Neener-neener

5.  Cunt

Forum Rule # 91834750

Good posting comes in threes...just like blind mice and sneezes. Gesundheit!

Forum Rules # 748 - 803

You know you're a forum whore when...

Forum Rule # 3

Polls without pie are incomplete and invalid.

Forum Rule # 6
Trolls before whores.

Forum Rule # 4

Lurking is for pussies. No stake-outs. No getting the lay of the land. Throw caution to the wind, you madcap blowhard. Dive right in. The water's fine and the sharks have chewed through the chum.

Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it's gone right to my head 
Where ever I may roam
On land or sea or foam
You will always hear me singing this song
Show me the way to go home

Forum Rule # 13

There's no crying in baseball or forum posting.

Forum Rule # 21

Everyone sees reason eventually. Just keep reading and posting.

Forum Rule # 198487

The moderators are here to keep the forums unsafe, insane, and insecure. If they ask you to do something, please do give it a moment's thought before completely ignoring it. Please do harass and intentionally annoy the mods. Please also feed them, take photos of them and stick fingers and sticks between the bars into their cages. Make faces at them too. Use baby talk when communicating with mods. Be wary of flying pooh flung in your direction. If you do not like the mods or the moderation, feel free to post here continuously like an obsessed idiot with no other choices.

Forum Rule # 3983269-2

Keep in mind that everybody on the forums has to see your sig file over and over every time you post. Make optimal use of this forum billboard. Make your sig file at least 60k in size with no less than three lengthy quotes of text. Use images larger than 400 pixels wide and 125 pixels high. Something schmaltzy, like a scene of you and your loved one getting it on is preferred. Add pizazz with rainbows, butterflies, hearts and glitter text. If it looked good on your Trapper notebook in the 7th grade, then it will be perfect in your siggy.

Forum Rule # 485716

You must choose a cause and defend it vigorously at every opportunity. The more obscure the better. Perhaps you'd like to support the indigenous people of Alaska and Canada, for example. Make sure you spell it "esquimaux" and not "eskimo" and watch hawkishly to ensure that others do as well. Correct those that spell it incorrectly and ask that they make a donation to an esquimaux housing fund. Post a quote or slogan with a picture or graphic representing your cause. Read forum posts carefully and protest with as much umbrage as you can generate in text indicating your outrage over people's intolerance and insensitivity when they blithely post words like "cool, cold, ice, igloo, blubber, fat, fur, polar, native and Indian." Express utter disbelief at the ignorance of people unaware of the plight, let alone location, of the Aleut, Inuit and Yupik groups. Agree with whatever JJ graciously & knowledgeably posts regarding esquimaux. (She is a Canadian, after all.) Design an esquimauxhawk and shirts for your avatar. Make sure your designs are included in your public 3D closet. When taking time off from the forums, explain your absence with heartfelt descriptions of your travels and your time helping to clothe, feed and shelter esquimaux in need. Thank anyone who acknowledges your efforts with flowery appreciation. Remind anyone who calls you a "cunt" of your work with the esquimaux.

Forum Rule # 4827

Chose an avatar or forum poster name from the Urban Dictionary. It could be something like "mantrum," "Gluntford" or "jfgi". When someone comments on it or jokes about it, make up a tragic story about how you chose that name to honor your brother/sister/cousin/spouse/left testicle who was killed/maimed/traumatized/torn off in a war, crime or horrific accident. Make sure you use the right ratio of both anger and sadness in your post. Go for as much guilt as possible. The goal is to render the other posters speechless and stop the thread cold. And to enjoy the discomfort you are causing everyone. Natch. Consider ways to capitalize on this fictional bomb in future threads. If you really want to take it to the next level, create an account for your fictional, heroic brother/sister/cousin/spouse/left testicle.

"<goes to create an account for "FuckWad's Left Nut"...>"  - Fuckwad

Forum Rule # 4827a

Use a forum avatar picture of your recently deceased baby sister, brother, mentor, pet or some other highly-emotionally-charged entity in your life.  Combine this with a nearly unpronounceable, unrecognizable or unwieldy forum name.  Then use this potent combination to take umbrage any time some unsuspecting, innocent and possibly friendly and well-intended new forum member refers to you as "the bunny" (ya know, like the bunny in your identifying forum pic) or some other obvious nickname you made sure the oldest-tenured forum members knew not to call you some three or four years ago.  The higher your forum registration stats, the more this simple tactic will catch flies for your toxic ointment.  Check the trap daily.  You're sure to get new ones.  Bonus points for arranging to have old forum friends correct the new member with as much deep solemnity and loving concern for your welfare as possible.   Collect apologies like trophies and count them during lulls in forum drama.

Forum Rule # 4827b

Mention some aspect of your character, personality or behavior frequently yourself, but flame anyone else who mentions it and show absolutely no inkling of the ridiculousness of that on a public forum where your post count is past triple digits.  If you tend to post drunk a lot, for example, mention it every third post and point out that the alcohol is probably why so many of your posts are ditzy or hyperemotional.  It should go a little like this.  Post.  Alcohol.  Post.  Alcohol.  Post.  Alcohol.  Oopsies.  I posted a silly cuz I was tipsy.  Oopsies.  Wuuut?   Ooopsies.  Hee.  WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CALLING ME A DRUNK,  YOU CONDESCENDING, JUDGMENTAL LOWLIFE SHUT-IN SHITHEAD!?!  Develop a whole persona around that.  The fun will last for years and you can always upgrade to chapter two, recovery and redemption, if you get bored.

Forum Rule # 328975

You automatically gain ground, credibility and sympathy when you pull a sick or hurt friend, relative or self into a forum argument from left field. People employ this tactic often for a reason. Don't let cynicism, saturation, or even actual facts get in the way of employing this time-honored stratagem. Everyone needs a Bunbury sometime.

Forum Rule # 298372

People have short memories. It is absolutely not necessary to go to the trouble of keeping continuity notes or changing avatar or poster names when you change your mind, character, picture, story or what-have-you. Just plow on through. People will roll with you. And if they don't, well then you have an opportunity for umbrage. Bonus!

Forum Rule # 88176

Falling again under the heading "people have short memories," don't feel any pressure to be original in your thinking or posting. There is no "decent interval" to wait between posting something that is basically a rip-off of someone else's argument, post or thread. It's the forums, for heaven's sake. Everything is public and fair game. Anything that smacks of plagiarism or imitation is actually flattery and efficiency. "Yeah, what she said," "nanny, nanny, boo, boo," "You're a troll," "I know you are, but what am I?" are all legitimate, and in some circles, witty retorts.

Forum Rule # 32

An indiscriminate and prodigious use of the word "cunt" will be routinely well-received and may even have charms that calm the savage poster.

Forum Rule # 4.5a

The crazier the better.

Forum Rule # 4937

If you have less than 45 forum account names, then you are doing it wrong. Don't forget to have your accounts talk to each other in threads. Your multiple selves and imaginary friends are the best and most loyal friends you have...after all, blood is thicker than water and your own blood is thickest of all..wait...that's not quite...Well, you get the idea.

Forum Rule # 5658

A public huff is sexy stuff.

Forum Rule # 6585

Tried and True Troll Tactics

  • Point out that the posters you are baiting are hiding behind a cartoon or avatar.
  • Tell the posters about the obvious loneliness, lack of intelligence and character they are displaying while displaying your own bad character, obliviousness to your typos, bad spelling and grammar and leaps or complete lack of logic.
  • Tell everyone that you have been harassed and/or virtually assaulted or raped.
  • Tell everyone that you have received hate mail and hate calls and that the authorities have been alerted and are currently tracking down the very real and clearly evil person or persons hiding behind the cartoon or avatar who has been leaving those threatening messages.
  • Tell everyone about the recent devastating hardships in your life. Someone should be in the hospital and someone else should be dead. An additional person at home needing your constant care and obvious sacrifices is de rigueur.
  • Tell everyone and anyone who is not 100% supportive of your posts that their rude and callous comments show "how you people really are."
  • Tell them to look in the mirror, take a shower, go outside, get a life, grow up, seek medical or psychological help, stop bullying people, taunting people, accusing people of things, defaming, slandering, lying and a litany of other horrible and shameful offenses and maybe throw in something about God and spiritual guidance too.
  • In a move made with as much dramatically righteous nanny-nanny-boo-booism as you have been able to muster since your youthful days on the playground, tell the other posters that you have contacted the owners of the forum, the 3D world you are playing in, the authorities, and Al Gore, the inventor of the internet, and told them all about the nasty, mean old posters who are plaguing you now by merely responding to your irrational, attention-seeking posts.
  • Tell everyone that you will contact these people in a position of authority daily until action is taken against all the people who wronged you in the ether.

A problem with a trolls in the forums

Forum Rule # 666

After you have bored or frustrated any and all posters who had any electrical activity pulsing through their brains right out the door and onto other forums with slightly more humor and rational content, be sure to a) compliment yourself on your success and powah and b) invoke their names with the same obsessive, self-righteous, attention-seeking, shallow, bottom-feeding whinyness you employed when those posters still frequented what is now your sad little sandbox.

Make no effort at any futile self-reflection that might lead you to realize that the true power lies with those who had a) the intelligence, common sense and wherewithal to abandon the obnoxious troll baby and it's toxic sandbox and b) the impact that leads you to continue to post and think about them in their absence.

Forum Rule # 298548
  • You can't properly enjoy a flounce if you don't go back and observe the results. It's like cooking a meal and not watching people enjoy eating it.
  • Any time you tell someone that this is your last or final reply to that person, you are required by forum law to go back and reply to their response to your final reply.

Forum Rule # 92781

Be sure to comment stridently and with great authority on any post referencing a book you have not actually read. This bit of netiquette has a great deal of precedent (not to mention supporters) to back it up and overrides any antiquated notion of logic, ethics, courtesy or rationality propagated by bleeding-heart purists. Remember...people value your opinions more than the facts.

Forum Rule # 6586

Most posters are grown men with no social skills living in their mothers' basements. Be sure and remind them of this as they are also very forgetful. 

Forum Rule # 6587

The best insults are the most trite insults. the ether, trite is right, in fact, trite is might.

Forum Rule # 1928

Regardless of whether the OP has already received a helpful answer, or is indeed in the correct forum for the question, tell the poster that he or she has "come to the wrong place" based solely on the fact that you and your friends do not share the posters tastes or opinions. I mean really, a forum is about the regulars in the end, isn't it?

Forum Rule # 11

Just Fucking Google It (JFGI).

Forum Rule # 12

Don't Google it. Just ask the question in open forum and let hundreds of enablers answer the question for you. You can get the answer and do a good deed for the day. Bonus!

Forum Rule # 4512

You should never, ever, under any circumstances return to a thread and thank people for their helpful replies or let them know which of the posted suggestions worked for you. Keep 'em guessing. It's part of the forum fun.

Forum Rule #10

Yes, Virginia, forums are the place to exert the superiority and authority you do not have in life. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, your snarky words will continue to make glad the hearts of forum whores and sad the hearts of noobs. Isn't that comforting?

Forum Rule # 769

Develop an irrational hatred of all posters interested or engaged in activities involving BDSM, diminutive avatars, emos, Fairies, Furries, Goreans, noobs and Vampires. Criticize them viciously and derail their threads. It's a popular hobby and you will likely meet many nice people that way. Remember what Sookie said in True Blood? "I'm a fairy? That's so fucking lame."

Forum Rule # 774

Confirmation bias, attitude polarization, selective exposure, self-fulfilling prophecies, self-verification, self-enhancement, intolerance and wishful thinking; know them, love them, use them. Ah, never mind. You don't need to know them. You'll do what comes naturally.

Forum Rule # 3337

Forum posters were not created equal. Under no circumstances should you take what you dish out.

Forum Rule # 5

There is no such thing as "private."

Forum Rule #15

People in the virtual world tend to get deeply disturbed by a sense of being excluded. Do what you can to reach out and touch many people effectively and efficiently by using language and techniques that marginalize other posters. 

Forum Rule # 2827

Make your posts long with lots of words and no paragraph breaks. No one will read your posts, so you won't have to deal with opposition or insult, and you will look intelligent and thoughtful.

Forum Rule # 2868

Pay no attention to netiquette nannies who tell you not to post in all caps because it is the internet equivalent of shouting. Everyone knows the victory goes to the loudest.

Forum Rule # 2869

Also ignore netiquette nannies who tell you to search the forums to see if a topic has already been covered or to read all the posts in a thread to see if an identical response has already been given or the question has been adequately answered. Its a complete waste of your time. Repetition is the lifeblood of any forum and there is no early bird getting the worm in the ether. The best posts are the last posts, the loudest posts, the most popular posts, the posts from the posters who have been posting the longest and...wait, what am I saying? The best posts are always yours.

Forum Rule # 52869

Dingbats. Dingbats are criminally underutilized in forums. Don't ignore the dingbats. The dingbat you save may be your own.

"Um... please to be excused but forums are full of dingbats anyway."  - Stephie

Forum Rule # 789

Join as many adult (18+) forums as possible and appoint yourself the language nanny. Admonish anyone who includes words like asshole, bastard, bitch, bugger, cock, cocksucker, crap, cunt, dick, fart, fuck, hell, motherfucker, piss, prick, shit, teabag, tits, turd and twat in their posts. Note that this is not an all-inclusive list. Reserve the right to get sniffy about legitimate terms like anus, clitoris, dike, feces, penetration, penis, rectum, scrotum, sphincter and vagina. Don't let alternate or misspelled words deter you from your righteous ire.

Don't forget that at least 25% of the posters on your forums are female and another 45% are males with female avatars. Both are to be considered protected classes, thereby making any use of a female-related offensive word an automatic code-red forum hate crime punishable by the full force of your fury. 

Everyone knows that whether one is biologically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically or pixelly a women, one is automatically in a disadvantaged position in need of defense, particularly against the horror and possible devastation wrought by words in anonymous forum posts.

You, as the language nanny knight, can figuratively ride into the breach and rescue the fairer forum posters and reap the rewards of your chivalry. Actually, there is nothing figurative about it. Just as a forum post assault can amount to a virtual rape, so too, can your heroism amount to a virtual rescue.

Go forth and be brave language nanny knight. The internet will remember your sacrifices.


Forum Rule # 790

Good netiquette nannies are e-psychic and can address problems before they start.  See that poster addressing a topic in a clear, reasonable, and rational manner?  No way that's gonna last, right?  Why wait for the blow-up when you can helpfully tell posters now that they are being overly emotional and abusive?  Don't let denials deter you.  Just keep repeating your netiquette nanny admonishments and pull out the righteous "I told you so" when they do eventually blow up. 

Forum Rule # 54632

All posters with low post counts are obvious trolls, particularly if they don't agree with you or if they criticize the ennui-suffering ruling elite for their jaded post bashing, or, as we like to call it, "educating and enlightening noobs." Make no room for the erroneous assumption that a poster with a low post count is simply new to the forum. That's not logic. It's pure tosh. Propaganda from Pollyannas. It must be not only disregarded, but decisively nipped in the bud.

All posters with a high post count are Gods, gurus, mentors or phenoms and should be automatically treated with the appropriate respect and fear. Now that's logic. Bow down before the ones you serve, knaves.

Forum Rule # 3983269-3

If you partner up with another poster on the forum, be sure to take a lovely couple photo of the two of you together in some romantic or playful setting and then upload it as your forum avatar...both of you...the same picture... showing how in sync and together and in love and one you are together. Then spend the two months that you are together correcting people when they post in response to your partner thinking it is you and vice versa.

Forum Rule # 985

A forum is like a biker bar in the hardscrabble of Texas. You should scope out the alpha male big fish in the forum pond and then take him on by picking a fight in a well-established thread where all the regulars hang out. Don't forget that bikers have bitches, so you'll need to give them a good slap too. If you win, you will be the new big-swinging dick in town and the bitches will be yours and you can mount the other guy's head on your trophy wall in your sig. Cyber punks throughout the forum will revere you, noobs will quake in fear, forum arm candy will fawn over you and people will begin to take what you post at face value regardless of how ludicrous it is or how out-of-your-mind fucking drunk you were when you posted it. Posts are forever and you will have achieved immortality. If you lose, you can log in with an alt. Many people just skip that step and declare themselves full of win and enjoy their delusions. The online world is a fantasy world, after all. It's all good.

Forum Rule #1372

Adopt an educated British forum persona. Deride anyone who does not post using the Queen's English and rhetoric befitting the Oxford Union Society. Express nostalgia for the days of heroic meter and chancery standard. Hear William F. Buckley, Jr. in your mind's ear as you compose your puckish posts for the forum firing line. (Never mind that Buckley was an American.) Develop a singular stylistic affectation, such as parenthetical statements, Middle English spellings or fulsome footnotes, thereby demonstrating your Wildean wit and an individual identity that will herald your cybercelebrity status. You should make references to a respected career as a lawyer, professor or writer. As a fully-realized renaissance man, you should also describe your days as a lothario and sportsman on no less than a national championship level. Consider character options such as an early career in the military and the ability to fly a helicopter, captain a boat or whip up a gourmet meal or tease a concerto out of a piano or violin. Remember that many posters on international boards are Anglophiles. Drop some crumpet crumbs and they'll follow you anywhere..even to an illogical conclusion.

Forum Rule #827

Perhaps you've heard of the book, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." This basic concept is true for forums too. For example, consider these time-tested forum actions:

1. Identify the primary authority on the forum and tattletale to that authority loudly and often.
2. Roll your eyes dramatically and groan at anything you think is icky or you just plain don't like or don't understand.
3. Say "nannynannybooboo" to any forum posters acting like poopooheads.
4. Expect and monitor (rigidly) fair and equal distribution of punishments and rewards among your fellow posters at all times.
5. Laugh hysterically at toilet humor.
6. Cry.
7. Pout.
8. Throw a tantrum.
9. Storm out of the forum.
10. Soil yourself.
11. Constantly touch other posters to annoy them.
12. Get "time-outs" for inappropriate behavior.

Forums are the perfect place to express that repressed inner child the New Age movement was trying to reconnect you with all along.

Forum Tip # 13

You're gonna need this:

Forum Rule #829

This is the "Lost in Translation" stealth tactic. It's extremely effective and almost impossible to screw up as any mistake you make can be attributed to a translation error or cultural misunderstanding.

Create a non-English speaking persona on an English-language forum. Enter like a lamb, but go out like a lion. Start by announcing yourself in a random thread, preferably not one of the "welcome" or "introduction" threads set up for that purpose. Be friendly, say hello, tell people that English is not your first language, but be vague about what is supposedly your first language so you don't have to pull out the Babelfish too soon for any poster who might actually speak that other language. Then sweetly entreat the posters on the forum to be gentle with you because your English is not very good. Enthusiastically and ingratiatingly thank welcoming responders. Make random nonsensical, but sweetly toned posts. Bask in the positive attention of anyone who "reps" your posts or responds to your rambling with even the remotest effort to understand.

Begin the next phase by identifying a cause or poster to attack and then latch on like a pitbull. Discrimination is the obvious choice, as are any of the American posters since they tend to be the most defensive. Perhaps the forum has a policy or poster vulnerable to twisted-logic attacks and accusations of bias or bigotry. Begin a relentless campaign filled with dramatic outrage and tossed word salad dressed with random emoticons. Even your most malignant posts should be served up with plenty of verbal sugar and jumbled playground insults. It's a delicate balancing act. The result you are going for is to confuse some posters, convince some posters that you are innocently charming with a slightly surreal sense of humor, and to completely irritate other posters.

Something like this should get the ball rolling.

"Hello. I see posters here are so very smart, yes? I really do not care. anyway i am know often that some do not get my brown belt joke. maybe if i have puck lips for butt rocks you like my say. Aggressing and discriminating against posters is a shameful crime. You laugh out your ass, but you have not heart or brain. Ja ja ja. You not know how to say more than that. Kiss kiss pretty posters."

As you work into the third phase, be sure to work in jabs at American politics, policies and culture as well as criticisms of the forum administration and moderation. Ask that your threads be "stickied" as a warning to others. Remember that the "Lost in Translation" tactic is a stealth tactic and not a full-on frontal assault, so you will want to thrust, feint, parry and kiss kiss.

Forum Rule # 17

It is widely believed that the use of "yawns" and yawning or sleeping smilies will tranquilize the biggest and baddest of raging and ranting forum bulls.  It's very difficult to ascertain the truth of this as most of the people who've used the tactic have been run over.

Forum Rule # 18

Call everyone a liar and tell them that they lie.  It doesn't matter if people actually do or not.  This is completely beside the point.

Forum Rule # 14

Put someone on ignore.  Read all of their posts anyway.  You know you want to.  Then quote them and remind them that you have them on ignore.  Gloat.  Make no reference to the obvious contradiction.

Thanks, Midge.

1 comment:

  1. TL;DR

    You fuckingcuntwad forgot to put the < sarcasm > notice on Rule 21.

    This was the most boring piece of shite (adopting a UK-ism) (pointing out my cleverness) I have ever read. I want a refund on the two hours it took me to wade through this crap. I knew after the first two lines what a load of shit this post was and it made me sick and in pain to spend two hours reading it and another 15 minutes responding to it!

    All of your posts are shite! This whole blog is shite. Anyone who reads this shite is an arse! You make me sick!

    I'll respond where I want to cuntface.

    I'm SOOOOO out of here!

    ((How did I do? I'll be back later to check in.))