"#1 rule.. Don't Post in the Bitch whine and Moan thread 30 seconds after you post in the Just Freaking Happy Thread!!!" - Mitch Wexler
"#2 rule..... If you don't understand a thread.....stand back from the keyboard until someone else posts to clear up your confusion..." - Mitch Wexler
Then I decided it looked like fun and I ran away with it.
<goes to create an account for "FuckWad's Left Nut"...>" - Fuckwad
Forum Rule # 4827a
You automatically gain ground, credibility and sympathy when you pull a sick or hurt friend, relative or self into a forum argument from left field. People employ this tactic often for a reason. Don't let cynicism, saturation, or even actual facts get in the way of employing this time-honored stratagem. Everyone needs a Bunbury sometime.
People have short memories. It is absolutely not necessary to go to the trouble of keeping continuity notes or changing avatar or poster names when you change your mind, character, picture, story or what-have-you. Just plow on through. People will roll with you. And if they don't, well then you have an opportunity for umbrage. Bonus!
Falling again under the heading "people have short memories," don't feel any pressure to be original in your thinking or posting. There is no "decent interval" to wait between posting something that is basically a rip-off of someone else's argument, post or thread. It's the forums, for heaven's sake. Everything is public and fair game. Anything that smacks of plagiarism or imitation is actually flattery and efficiency. "Yeah, what she said," "nanny, nanny, boo, boo," "You're a troll," "I know you are, but what am I?" are all legitimate, and in some circles, witty retorts.
An indiscriminate and prodigious use of the word "cunt" will be routinely well-received and may even have charms that calm the savage poster.
The crazier the better.
If you have less than 45 forum account names, then you are doing it wrong. Don't forget to have your accounts talk to each other in threads. Your multiple selves and imaginary friends are the best and most loyal friends you have...after all, blood is thicker than water and your own blood is thickest of all..wait...that's not quite...Well, you get the idea.
A public huff is sexy stuff.
Tried and True Troll Tactics
A problem with a trolls in the forums
After you have bored or frustrated any and all posters who had any electrical activity pulsing through their brains right out the door and onto other forums with slightly more humor and rational content, be sure to a) compliment yourself on your success and powah and b) invoke their names with the same obsessive, self-righteous, attention-seeking, shallow, bottom-feeding whinyness you employed when those posters still frequented what is now your sad little sandbox.
Make no effort at any futile self-reflection that might lead you to realize that the true power lies with those who had a) the intelligence, common sense and wherewithal to abandon the obnoxious troll baby and it's toxic sandbox and b) the impact that leads you to continue to post and think about them in their absence.
Be sure to comment stridently and with great authority on any post referencing a book you have not actually read. This bit of netiquette has a great deal of precedent (not to mention supporters) to back it up and overrides any antiquated notion of logic, ethics, courtesy or rationality propagated by bleeding-heart purists. Remember...people value your opinions more than the facts.
Most posters are grown men with no social skills living in their mothers' basements. Be sure and remind them of this as they are also very forgetful.
The best insults are the most trite insults. Remember...in the ether, trite is right, in fact, trite is might.
Regardless of whether the OP has already received a helpful answer, or is indeed in the correct forum for the question, tell the poster that he or she has "come to the wrong place" based solely on the fact that you and your friends do not share the posters tastes or opinions. I mean really, a forum is about the regulars in the end, isn't it?
Just Fucking Google It (JFGI).
Don't Google it. Just ask the question in open forum and let hundreds of enablers answer the question for you. You can get the answer do a good deed for the day. Bonus!
You should never, ever, under any circumstances return to a thread and thank people for their helpful replies or let them know which of the posted suggestions worked for you. Keep 'em guessing. It's part of the forum fun.
Yes, Virginia, forums the place to exert the superiority and authority you do not have in life. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, your snarky words will continue to make glad the hearts of forum whores and sad the hearts of noobs. Isn't that comforting?
Develop an irrational hatred of all posters interested or engaged in activities involving BDSM, diminutive avatars, emos, Fairies, Furries, Goreans, noobs and Vampires. Criticize them viciously and derail their threads. It's a popular hobby and you will likely meet many nice people that way. Remember what Sookie said in ? "I'm a fairy? That's so fucking lame."
Confirmation bias, attitude polarization, selective exposure, self-fulfilling prophecies, self-verification, self-enhancement, intolerance and wishful thinking; know them, love them, use them. Ah, never mind. You don't need to know them. You'll do what comes naturally.
Forum posters were not created equal. Under no circumstances should you take what you dish out.
There is no such thing as "private."
People in the virtual world tend to get deeply disturbed by a sense of being excluded. Do what you can to reach out and touch many people effectively and efficiently by using language and techniques that marginalize other posters.
Make your posts long with lots of words and no paragraph breaks. No one will read your posts, so you won't have to deal with opposition or insult, and you will look intelligent and thoughtful.
Pay no attention to netiquette nannies who tell you not to post in all caps because it is the internet equivalent of shouting. Everyone knows the victory goes to the loudest.
Also ignore netiquette nannies who tell you to search the forums to see if a topic has already been covered or to read all the posts in a thread to see if an identical response has already been given or the question has been adequately answered. Its a complete waste of . Repetition is the lifeblood of any forum and there is no early bird getting the worm in the ether. The best posts are the last posts, the loudest posts, the most popular posts, the posts from the posters who have been posting the longest and...wait, what am I saying? The best posts are .
Dingbats. Dingbats are criminally underutilized in forums. Don't ignore the dingbats. The dingbat you save may be your own.
"Um... please to be excused but forums are full of dingbats anyway." - Stephie
Join as many adult (18+) forums as possible and appoint yourself the language nanny. Admonish anyone who includes words like asshole, bastard, bitch, bugger, cock, cocksucker, crap, cunt, dick, fart, fuck, hell, motherfucker, piss, prick, shit, teabag, tits, turd and twat in their posts. Note that this is not an all-inclusive list. Reserve the right to get sniffy about legitimate terms like anus, clitoris, dike, feces, penetration, penis, rectum, scrotum, sphincter and vagina. Don't let alternate or misspelled words deter you from your righteous ire.
Don't forget that at least 25% of the posters on your forums are female and another 45% are males with female avatars. Both are to be considered protected classes, thereby making any use of a female-related offensive word an automatic code-red forum hate crime punishable by the full force of your fury.
Everyone knows that whether one is biologically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically or pixelly a women, one is automatically in a disadvantaged position in need of defense, particularly against the horror and possible devastation wrought by words in anonymous forum posts.
You, as the language nanny knight, can figuratively ride into the breach and rescue the fairer forum posters and reap the rewards of your chivalry. Actually, there is nothing figurative about it. Just as a forum post assault can amount to a virtual rape, so too, can your heroism amount to a virtual rescue.
Go forth and be brave language nanny knight. The internet will remember your sacrifices.